Kelly Inviere

Hello, and welcome to my TED Talk.

This post may read a little bit differently than most of my others, as I have decided to try something in a slightly more learning-based format. I have been wanting to write on this subject for a while now, but the energy of this entry calls for a bit more structure. I promise to interject personality and perspective into the informative bits as much as possible, and let’s be honest… I don’t think that I could maintain interest in writing this without a bit of character.

With that stated, let’s get to learning and growing together.

If you look over the entries I have made to this blog, you may notice a couple of consistencies that pull the reader through from post to post. They are not thematic in nature and may not seem obvious until I point them out. In fact, I think it is due to these specific consistencies that my blog doesn’t really fit into a stereotypical niche. Instead, at first glance, it seems to have very few connecting threads.

The first of these consistencies, and probably most obvious, is that I am someone who likes to investigate who I am at my core. I want to dig a little deeper and discover what experiences have shaped me and what I have learned along the way. Bottom line: I want to know what makes me, well, me.

The second is my drive towards authenticity, vulnerability, and being unapologetically real. I have no desire to pretend to be anyone else in my writing, and the ability to present myself with a reflection of who I am becoming with each new exercise and entry is something I value greatly.

Lastly, and potentially the most important to set up this post, is my specific flavor of looking into the angles of life that lay outside of the box. I’ll admit, some of my outside of the box thinking is so far outside, it’s never even heard of a box. I am, after all, the same person who promoted crystals and flower essences for healing – and stands by it – and described my spiritual path using an analogy to a food pyramid.

So, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that I am into things like star charts and Enneagram tests… anything that will ideally help me on my journey to self-discovery. This is something I’ve been doing a lot of looking into the last few years (and even more so recently), and it led me to an interesting steppingstone: Saturn’s Return.

If you know very little about this aspect of astrology, frankly… same. I’d heard the term (mainly in one episode of the sitcom Parks and Recreation), but never actually looked into what it really means. I am someone who knows a bit about the star signs in general, and I know more about my own sun, moon, and ascending signs. But when it comes to the details of astrology, I get a bit lost. That being said, I will try to give a brief overview that will, without a doubt, be incomplete at best.

Let me start with a trademark disclaimer here: I am not an expert on any of this, just a student of life searching for their place on this crazy blue marble.

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On that note:

A Saturn return happens when the planet Saturn returns to the exact zodiac sign, degree, and house it was in when you were born. I will explain some of this below, but stay tuned as I do plan to make this into a series – with the next installment dealing more directly with star charts and the lingo that goes along with them. In the meantime, Google is your friend!

Your first return will happen between the ages of 27 and 31, the second between the ages of 56 and 60, and the third between the ages of 84 and 90. This is a time of change, growth, learning, and opportunities to take inventory of every aspect of your life and figure out if you are becoming who you want to be. This is a process of maturing, taking responsibility for what you want, and making shifts in the status quo to reach the potential you desire.

During a Saturn return, you are likely to be thrown obstacles to help you to get stronger spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It can feel a little like being thrown into the deep end of an ice-cold pool…

This is the part that stood out to me.

My life has gone through a series of hardships, challenges, and changes during that 27 through 31 age range: I’ve gone through many losses during those years, I’ve shifted my focus to a career that I will find fulfilling, and I have had to make very difficult choices to grow into the person I aim to be.

So when I read the statement above, I suddenly recognized that the feeling I had been having during the last several years was that all too familiar freefall into the water.

And my determination to find a way to swim.

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Now, there are different opinions about the exact point at which a Saturn return happens to a person and how long the effects last on either end of the actual celestial event. For me, given my very recent desire to dive back into birth charts, understanding my love languages, what crystals and essential oils might aid me in my journey, etc… I’m keen to assume that the longer-term effects of this astrological occurrence are still something I am working through.

This brings me to the opening of this post: Self-discovery, vulnerability, and thinking outside of the box.

What would I be able to learn about myself if I combined the basic outcomes of different personality assessments, like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs? Would it allow me to share a bit more of myself with my family, my friends, and yes, with you? Would placing these different puzzle pieces together make more sense as a complete overview of me as a person or would they contradict each other?

The answer is: Won’t it be fun to find out?

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So, I will give you a snapshot of each of the following things I’ve been looking into – writing this as I learn – with the hypothesis that they all come together to give a more complete picture of a person than each can do individually.

After writing this post, I have every intention to seek the advice of experts, do more thorough research, and dedicate an entire post to each topic on its own. I will then make one final post, discussing my experiences and deciding if my hypothesis is, in fact, correct (a very subjective decision, really…).

It is my hope that this experience will guide me to a deeper understanding of my best path forward towards growth, and that it will be an interesting ride to join me on for those of you reading along.

The four sections I will touch on here (the first three of which will later become their own in-depth posts) are: my star chart, my Enneagram type, my Myers-Briggs personality type, and finally, my love languages. Mind you, this will all be the 101/entry level/novice class/introductory course version of topics that people have spent their entire lives studying, teaching, writing about and expanding on. There are experts on all of these topics, and I am not one of them.

But I am someone who loves to learn, grow, and expand my views. So, without further ado… Let’s dive headfirst into that deep end!

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Astrology charts track the position of the stars and planets based on the date, time, and location of your birth. Most people are familiar with the twelve zodiac signs. Just think about the horoscopes in newspapers and magazines that often give you a quick snippet of vague information sounding something like:

“As a Capricorn, you will find that you are very focused on work right now. Since you are hoping for that long-awaited raise, now is a great time to put in the extra effort!”

Not a Capricorn, but I’m pretty sure that could apply to most people… If you want a raise at work – and who doesn’t? – putting in some extra effort would probably be a good idea!

I’d honestly love to find out how one lands a gig writing these…

(If by chance any of you have a connection with a periodical or publication that includes something like this and are looking for someone to write them… let me know! I may not technically be an expert, but I’m willing to become an expert.)

The point is, astrology actually goes much deeper than this in its whole. The sign most people are familiar with is their sun sign. If this was the only thing that was tracked in astrology, then there would only be twelve types of people (which would make the world a pretty mundane place). For the purposes of this section, I will only be going into my sun, ascendant, and moon signs – but everyone has a sign associated with each of the planets and luminaries which I will definitely go into more details about in the post dealing specifically with star charts.

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My sun sign is Aquarius. The sun sign can be described as your identity, ego, and the strengths you have at your core. As an Aquarian, common traits include being unique, unconventional, and straying from the norm. Aquarians are known to be creative, outside of the box thinkers, who like to push boundaries. People with this sign tend to be natural humanitarians, often carrying a lot of weight on their shoulders, feeling protective of those who are viewed as oppressed or taken advantage of. Both self-reliant and good team-players, Aquarians seek to stand out from the crowd through self-expression.

My ascendant (or rising) sign is Libra. This is the sign that you often present to the world, and the sign that astrologers may guess for you most often when first meeting you. This is the “mask” you show to others first, if you will. People who have Libra as a rising sign tend appear to be compromising, easy-going, peacemakers. Socially outgoing, those who fall into this ascendant sign make friends easily and strive to keep harmony. Often, these people will be sensitive to chaos or discord which can throw them off balance. Ever the diplomat, Libra ascendants seek justice and order.

My moon sign is Scorpio. The moon rules over our emotional selves, making this the sign that people often relate to the most. This is the sign that depicts our deepest inner selves. Scorpio moons are viewed as intense, powerful, captivating, and mysterious. Deeply emotional and sensitive, these individuals are often slow to trust and open up to others, but once they do, they are deeply loyal. Passionate and creative, those with a Scorpio moon sign have strong fighting spirits and do not give up easily. People with this sign are not afraid to fight for what they believe in or for the ones they love.

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These are the amalgamations of descriptions and associations of my star signs. Through my research, I tried to pull things that showed up multiple times from various sources (a technique I will utilize throughout this post). I wanted to compose as comprehensive of a depiction of what one could find out without the structure of a real reading with an actual expert as I possibly could.

Like I said, this barely scratches the surface of a true astrological reading. This is simply a tiny insight into this one aspect of me so that I can better compare and contrast what I have hypothesized. There are plenty of places that will give you a free overview of your star chart if this has piqued your curiosity. And again, all you need to know is the date, time, and place of your birth.

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Now, onto the Enneagram!

I’m guessing a lot of you might be asking, “what is an Enneagram?”

This is the one that I have been familiar with for the least amount of time. I was introduced to the Enneagram when my wife, Phoebe, started working at her current job, as this was something that many of her new co-workers were into (they have an entire Slack channel dedicated to all things Enneagram). Since they all work remotely, this was an interesting way to get to know a lot about a person and how they relate to other people.

Phoebe naturally took the test to find out her type, and for fun, I did the same.

To best describe this personality test, I’m going to go straight to the source: The Enneagram Institute.

“From one point of view, the Enneagram can be seen as a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one type. It is common to find a little of yourself in all nine of the types, although one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. This is your basic personality type.”

All nine types can be placed on a diagram showing how the different types relate to each other. There are no “good” or “bad” types, but each type has its own strengths and shortcomings (because, you know, we all do…). Each type can also be viewed in the nine levels of development ranging from healthy (levels 1, 2, and 3), to average (levels 4, 5, and 6), to unhealthy (levels 7, 8, and 9). Note: the nine levels do not equate to the nine types, rather each type looks different at the nine levels. More on this in a later post.

As you get further into the Enneagram, you will also find that there are groupings of types that have similarities such as the Centers of Intelligence (instinctive, thinking, and feeling) or the Harmonic Groups (positive outlook, competency, and reactive). We will dive more into all of this in my post dealing specifically with the Enneagram, but I thought I would touch on one of the ways in which these types relate to one another.

Now that you have a little bit more information on this test in general, we can dive into my personality type.

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I am a type Eight: The Challenger.

Eights are known to be strong, self-reliant, protective, assertive, and resourceful. Known as the challenger for seeking out and enjoying challenges, as well as wanting to help others to challenge themselves to reach new levels of growth. Eights are very individualistic and defy social convention as they desire independence.

Each type has a basic fear and a basic desire. For an Eight, their basic fear is to be harmed or controlled by others and their basic desire is to protect themselves and to be in control of their own destiny. This often leads to an Eight’s attempt to appear resilient and powerful while struggling to show deep vulnerability beneath their armor. When they feel their basic fear is being realized, Eights can become domineering, intense, and confrontational. They may shut down and become hardened to attempt to save themselves from being hurt emotionally.

However, at their best, Eights learn to use their vulnerability and open heartedness to help empower others and protect their loved ones and communities. They are loyal, grounded, and dependable. Eights are natural leaders, using their can-do attitudes, charisma, and determination to create a better world for everyone in their lives.

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While I will not be going into great detail on the Enneagram groupings, I would be remiss to not touch on this at all. Eights fall in the Instinctive Center of intelligence (which includes types 8, 9, and 1), meaning that their emotional response to the loss of contact with the core of the self is anger. They fall into the Reactive Harmonic Group (types 4, 6, and 8), meaning they deal with disappointment or conflict through strong reaction and respond best when they receive that reaction back from others. In the Harmony Group, Eights fall into the Relationist group (made up of types 2, 5, and 8), and they relate to people with their strength and protections. And in the Hornevian Groups which deal with how you interact with people to meet your own needs, Eights are in the Assertive Group (including types 3, 7 and 8).

There is so much more that I could go into here about Enneagram Eights and the system as a whole, but I think I’ll save most of that for the follow up on Enneagrams. I will add that if you are interested in finding out more about this system or figuring out what type you are in the meantime, I can direct you to the Enneagram Institute or Enneagram Explained.

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Now, let’s go back to something most of us are likely more familiar with: The Myers-Briggs Personality Types.

Whether or not you have ever taken an interest in psychology (or in this indicator specifically), I’m guessing that this is at least a construct you have come across at some point in your life. You may know a lot about this topic or very little, but the four-letter codes that make up the sixteen types is probably not completely foreign to you.

If it is, that’s totally fine! Just like in the previous sections, I will give a little background on this test before going into my own type. Learning is what we are here to do today, after all.

As described by the Myers and Briggs Foundation:

“The purpose of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator^® (MBTI^®) personality inventory is to make the theory of psychological types described by C. G. Jung understandable and useful in people’s lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment.”

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (or MBTI) asks a series of questions that determine preferences in four categories, each with two possible opposite outcomes that add up to the sixteen different personality types. The test indicates preferences between: Extroversion (E) or Introversion (I), Sensing (S) or Intuition (N), Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

Extroversion vs. Introversion measures whether you prefer to focus on the outer world or your own inner world. How you take in information, either by focusing on the basic information or by adding interpretations and meaning, decides between Sensing or Intuition. When it comes to making a decision, whether you focus on logic and consistency or people and special circumstances leads you to a preference for either Thinking or Feeling. How you relate to structure in your life, preferring having decisions made or keeping options open, determines between Judging or Perceiving.

For me, this adds up to being an ENFP.

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ENFP: The Champion

Also referred to as the Campaigner or the Innovator, ENFPs are considered to be open-minded, optimistic, warm, enthusiastic, empathetic, and caring. Deeply imaginative, this type has a strong draw to creativity and self-expression. Having a strength in communication, the Champion often has a strong mastery of language that allows them to both tell engaging stories and give impassioned speeches. A natural leader, ENFPs are very charismatic and protective of those they care about – and as they tend to have wide circles, that’s often a lot of people.

Champions/Campaigners tend to struggle with people pleasing, as they do deeply care about those people in their circles and making a good impression on those they don’t know. They thrive on affirmation from others, and not receiving this can cause stress or put strain on a relationship. Their creativity and imagination paired with their enthusiasm can also be a double-edged sword as they can have ever-evolving interests that can lead to distraction and lack of focus. This type can be slow to commit, but when they do, they are extremely loyal and passionate to both people and projects.

ENFPs have a good balance of deep, thoughtful intuition and light-hearted curiosity that gives them a unique picture of the world and people around them.

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Something that I think is worth noting at this point in the process is that, of the things that I have researched for this post, this is both the most verified and psychology based tell of personality and the one that I most struggle to subscribe to. While it passes the validity and reliability test when looking at the statistics, especially where it comes to retesting having a strong (though, not infallible) probability of having the same outcome on 3-4 letters (75-90%), I find it to be a limiting picture of who a person is.

For one, the exact problem that I have with the common misconception of astrology placing people into twelve molds is the actual theory and construct of this test. Your type comes down to sixteen possibilities based on four dichotomies, which means that there are sixteen basic personalities.

As the Myers and Briggs Foundation states:

“If people differ systematically in what they perceive and in how they reach conclusions, then it is only reasonable for them to differ correspondingly in their interests, reactions, values, motivations, and skills.”

Unlike, say, the Enneagram, where the types are interactive and relate to each other in a multitude of fascinating ways creating a lot of variation from one Eight to the next (levels of development, direction of growth, wing types, etc.…), the MBTI basically functions on the principle that people can be categorized into sixteen molds.

This is not to say that I don’t see any of myself in the many descriptions of an ENFP that I read to write this post – and there are certainly things that align with the other sections of this post – but I will say that there are numerous things that simply do not align with my truth. For example, one consistent association with Champions/Campaigners is their endless optimism and choice to see the best in every situation.

I’m not calling myself a pessimist by any means, at least, not anymore… But optimist feels like a BIG leap. I tend to consider myself a realist; avoiding black or white thinking and seeking to see the world in shades of gray. I try to take the good along with the bad and recognize that they can co-exist. They are not mutually exclusive. So, while this is only one example, it is a baseline personality trait that helped form my opinion.

Perhaps this will be an opinion that changes once I am able to go into more depth with someone who better knows the ins and outs of this Instrument, but as it stands, I find myself better defined in the previous personality breakdowns which have largely been regarded as pseudo-psychology or pseudoscience, or even just written off as new-age philosophy.

Go figure… I’m drawn to the less orthodox options.

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Which, my friends, leaves one final overview in this post: Understanding my love languages.

This is decidedly the non-sequitur of this collection of information, but I included it to see how – or if – there is some correlation to how I best receive love and care, and how I am inclined to show my love and care, based on the things I have learned about my personality through the previously stated research and results.

Would this line up with aspects of how my types are “supposed” to interact with the people around them? Is this a bit more random? Does that point to inaccuracy in the previous assessments?

These were all things I wanted to consider, look into, and evaluate in this section. This is also why this topic will not receive its own in-depth post, but rather, will accompany this introductory post and the final post as it relates to my thesis of this dive into self-discovery. This topic – may – be brought up in the entries on astrology, Enneagrams, and Myers-Briggs, as it corresponds to each.

For starters, let’s look at the Five Love Languages and how they relate to discovery of self and others. The concept of love languages helps couples to understand how they can feel most loved by their partners and how they can, in turn, show their partners love. The Five Languages include: Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch.

There is a more modern approach to love languages that breaks it down into seven (Activity, Appreciation, Emotional, Intellectual, Financial, Physical, and Practical); however, I will be focusing on the original five for the purposes of this thought experiment. I will touch on these seven a bit, and will be keeping them in mind as I move further into my collection of data on these different ways of interpreting personality, and especially, as it is helpful to my base goal of understanding better the root of who I am.

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Of the five languages, my primary language is Words of Affirmation. For people who speak this love language, this means that hearing genuine and thoughtful compliments, the words “I love you” and the reasons why, encouragement and appreciation, makes them feel valued and loved. Harsh or unkind words are extremely hurtful and are not easily forgotten.

Following this for me is a tie between Quality Time and Physical Touch. Quality Time, including quality conversation and quality experiences, means that when someone gives their whole, undivided attention while spending time together is the most meaningful expression of care. Not listening and being distracted can be very hurtful to people in this camp.

Physical Touch means that love, care, and support are best expressed through a long hug, holding hands, or offering a massage. Feeling close to one’s partner, in the most literal sense, allows them to feel seen and loved. When this is your love language, availability and accessibility feel validating and a lack of this can cause distance.

Next for me is Acts of Service. This can be anything from taking on chores that feel helpful to your partner, to running errands, to offering to cook for them – really anything that takes the weight off of them or makes their life a little easier tells them that they are important and loved. Not following through on things that have been offered can lead people who speak this language feel that they do not matter.

In final place, for me, is the language of Gifts. This language is the epitome of the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts!” The time and effort put into the physical representation of love matters just as much as the keepsake. These people like to know that their partners put thought into what would mean the most to them and having a physical manifestation of that makes them feel loved and appreciated. Missing special occasions or not putting meaning into a gift can cause conflict.

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Most people need a balance of hearing love in each of the five languages, so it is important to understand them all – but this is the way that I best hear that I am valued, cared for, and loved.

This aligns to the seven modern languages well, as my primary is Appreciation. People who speak this language feel love when their partners show gratitude, give genuine compliments, and share admiration. This is especially meaningful when the words are things that the speaker of this language may otherwise feel unseen about and that speak volumes to how deeply their partner understands them.

As far as the languages I speak most naturally, I would say that Quality Time and Words of Affirmation would have been my go-tos. However, knowing Phoebe’s breakdown, I have been putting effort into learning to become more fluent in the ways that my partner best feels my love and appreciation (something Phoebe does for me as well). For Phoebe, the top of the list is Physical Touch, followed closely by a tie of Quality Time and Acts of Service, followed by Words of Affirmation, and then, lastly, Gifts.

Again, including love languages is really more a curiosity-based choice. There are plenty of people who have run surveys to try to pin down love languages based on your Enneagram or MBTI personality type. However, having a mother-in-law who is an actual statistician makes me deeply curious about accuracy of this data. For my purposes, this is just another aspect of personality and human interaction that I wanted to include to see how it all lines up when you add together all of the information that can be derived as it is viewed from these various lenses.

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So, what does this all add up to?

When looking at the different sections of this piece, there are a few things that I find of interest. There are things that stay true throughout all three sections such as creative inclinations, a protective instinct, and deep emotions that may be slow to come to the surface. Loyalty and leadership skills are also a common theme, which admittedly makes me wonder if I have missed my political calling…

I decided to take the descriptors from each of the three sections and put them into a word cloud generator to see what stood out the most. This was just a way that I could get a visual representation of how these different personality traits showed up throughout and what, if anything, this did to support or dispute my theory.

I feel that this is a great time to reiterate the immense lack of scientific accuracy in this experiment. This is, to put it simply, a concept that I found interesting and wanted to explore. I’m sure there are very accurate methods that I could use to come to a more legitimate conclusion, but that would be totally off brand for this outside of the box thinking, unorthodox, rule-bender. Final disclaimer made, back to the post…

As you can see, the word cloud does show a lot of consistency in the depiction of me from three angles on my personality. Where there are things that contradict one another, I noticed there was an intriguing commonality.

When things didn’t show up in all three of the sections, there was a strong correlation between my Aquarius, Scorpio, and Enneagram traits, and my Libra and Myers-Briggs traits. This fact further backs my opinion on the MBTI Instrument, as Libra is my ascendant sign. Remember, this sign is the “mask” people show at first impression. This, to me, shows a bit of that surface level energy that I spoke about earlier when critiquing the Myers-Briggs system. Rather than showing an in-depth picture of the entire person, this type-casts people based on a limited amount of information.

Neither Libra nor ENFP are inaccurate, but they lack the comprehensive nature of my star chart as a whole or the complexities that the Enneagram type brings to the table.

And that, dear friends, brings us to the conclusion of this introductory post. As I predicted, it seems that the information found in the entirety of my research does in fact add up to more than the sum of its parts. When you separate each of these perspectives on personality, you simply do not get the picture of the whole person.

I have very much enjoyed researching these topics, bringing you the raw materials, and crafting them into what I hope has been an interesting read. I hope this brought some insights on personality types and maybe inspires you to do a little introspective investigation for yourselves. It’s been a lot of fun to turn life into a classroom for a bit, and I am excited to see just how far this journey takes me and how deep the well of information truly is!

Thank you for attending this first installment of my lecture series. Until next time!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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This year, I have embarked on a journey that I have been wanting to have the strength and courage to start, but had a laundry list of excuses defending the impossibility of. The journey being: I’m saying yes to life.

I am taking the initiative to get out there and do the things that I have wanted to try for ages but worried I wouldn’t be emotionally or mentally or physically capable of – it’s actually impressive the amount of energy I have put into telling myself no.

I outlined the shift in my attitude in my previous post, so consider this the first installment in the new chapter of my story which I have just started. If we take things back to a scholastic essay writing format, my last post would serve as the opening paragraph where I set up what I am going to tell you, making this the beginning of the section where I delve into the telling you portion.

If you are familiar with the concept of a Yes Day, consider this the beginning of a Yes Year for me. It is a great way to heal from the pain life has dealt me, and it serves as a way for me to connect to my inner child. I’m saying yes to taking chances, I’m saying yes to opportunities, I’m saying yes to experiences.

I’m allowing myself to fly.

And what better way to start this journey than to celebrate my thirty-first birthday by taking an introductory class to aerial acrobatics gifted by my beautiful and supportive wife?

If you’re not familiar with this beautiful artform, take a moment and google ‘aerial silks’ (you’ll thank me later), and then come back here.

If you are familiar, then you know that this is a seemingly inhuman feat of strength, grace, agility, calculated precision, and endurance.

And it is something I have been enamored with since I was very young.

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I will preface this next section with a “do not try this at home” or “do as I say, not as I do” disclaimer. I am well aware that this was not smart – or safe – but I was a born risk taker and at the age of eight, I had little concept of I can’t.

My parents gifted me with a very simple tree swing in our front yard; the kind that had a thick rubber seat secured by a rope on each side. It was such a fun addition to the hours I spent outside playing.

But if you are picturing me sitting, swinging back and forth… that would put you into the same circle as my mom and dad.

It would also make you very wrong. Don’t worry, you’re in good company.

I had seen Cirque du Soleil. I had been to many dance performances. I had seen people climbing in the most exquisite ways, wrapping the rope around their leg to secure them as they gracefully released their grip with their hands in a seemingly effortless maneuver to suspend gravity.

So, I stood on my new swing. I wrapped my arm and tested my strength. Once I had confidence in that, I tried climbing up – altering between wrapping my foot and pushing up on the rope, and bringing my grip with my hands a little higher.

When I had “mastered” this, it was time to try inversions; wrapping the ropes together in ways that allowed me to flip myself upside-down.

And eventually, gradually, I tested the limits once more by trusting my hold with my legs enough to let go with my hands (which I know is the epitome of “look mom, no hands!”). And to my glee, I had “mastered” that too.

While my parents weren’t thrilled with my new discovery, they could no sooner stop me from testing my new abilities and form of self-expression than tell the sun not to rise. I had found something in the midst of climbing, and spinning, and hanging from great heights (ok, so it was a maximum of five-ish feet up, but it might as well have been a million): I had found confidence.

And I had found freedom.

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This early determination and dedication to master the thing that brought me such euphoric joy was the exact energy that I brought to the class on my birthday. My stamina and physical strength may have been slightly less than that of my eight-year-old self, but my enthusiasm had somehow grown.

After warming up, we started with some basic wraps, climbing techniques, and inversions from the ground.

And it was HARD!

If you want to get the smallest sample of the kind of full body exercise this entails, try standing on one foot with your other foot lifted as high as possible straight out in front of you. Now just stay like that. See how long you can maintain your body forming a sort of T shape on its side.

I’ve been doing yoga for years and nothing could have prepared me for this.

And I’m in LOVE!

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Another disclaimer as I try to put into words a depiction of the class from here: I do not currently possess the vernacular to adequately describe this artform, as I simply do not yet know the proper terminology.

We learned how to make a slipknot, which allows you to use the silks in a similar way to the tree swing I had learned on all those years ago. It gives you the necessary support for both spinning (balancing with the silks under your arms — a return to “look mom, no hands!”), and inversions off of the ground (balancing on the silk loop using only your hips).

We wrapped up our first class with an inversion where we supported the body by bringing the two silks together and wrapping one leg around to grip with the knee, then reached behind us to grab the other foot and pulled it towards our heads (a far more advanced move than I had expected to cover, much less attain).

It’s one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, and it’s easily one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

It was made so much better having Phoebe right beside me, pushing herself outside of her comfort zone and trying all of these super challenging techniques and tricks with an enthusiasm and that came close to matching my own.

We will be doing this a lot more often (and I will be better able to use the terminology as I progress).

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One of the things that I realized I was so drawn to in this experience was the metaphoric nature of the activity.

You have to pull yourself up, and sometimes it’s really hard.

You have to try, again and again, even when you don’t feel like you have the strength to achieve the goal you’re aiming for.

You have to learn to set yourself up, so that you can try something more challenging, while knowing that you can catch yourself if you fall.

You have to trust yourself to find your balance, and grace, and grit.

You have to believe in yourself.

Then, you can learn how to fly.

…

These are aspects of myself that I had lost faith in along the way.

Somewhere between my anxiety overtaking my physical health and the losses I have endured breaking my spirit, I lost sight of that eight-year-old girl who fearlessly refused to see limitations.

I found her.

She’s still there, ready to take on every challenge she is presented with.

I found me.

And I am saying yes to the challenge.

…

At the end of the class, we graduated to level one aerials and were given a band denoting that graduation. On that band is inscribed the facility’s motto: “There is no easy way.”

And isn’t that the truth?

The things in life worth having never come easy in my experience. They take work. They take determination and dedication. They take the bravery to seize the moment. They take the wisdom to make the choice to take a chance.

So, this brings us to my current plans:

I will put in the work.

I will feed my determination and dedication.

I will seize the moment with bravery.

I will reach for the wisdom to choose taking the chances.

Because this… this is worth it.

…

I happened to pull a rather appropriate quote from the gift which I mentioned in my previous post that Phoebe gave me this holiday season:

    “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

I know that I will continue to fall, but I will be proud of the bruises and the callouses. I know that they will serve as a beautiful reminder that I pulled myself back up.

And I’m not just talking about aerial practice…

Until next time, keep finding yourself in the moments that bring you joy. And, when you fall, remember that you have the strength to rise.

On to more adventures!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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It’s kind of hard to believe that 2021 has already come and gone. It’s harder to believe that this blog is about to celebrate its first birthday, and thus, I have been on this journey with you for a year (one with stops and starts, but a year nonetheless). It’s even harder to realize that I started this journey on the cusp of my thirtieth birthday, which means I’m writing this approaching thirty-one.

It’s been an intense year in many ways: I’ve experienced great loss and grief in the passing of both my mother and my grandmother, stress and anxiety as the pandemic continues to shift and evolve with the addition of the Delta and Omicron variants, and the odd sense of passing time happening both faster than I can keep up with and, somehow, so slowly it can feel like stop-motion animation.

But, as is so often the case, with the bad came moments of great joy: I was able to complete a collaborative project that was years in the making by publishing Feeling Out, I had many opportunities to celebrate my first book and share my story in interviews and podcasts, and was successful in my endeavor to, as I put it in my post entitled Hope and Opportunity, get back to my “church.”

To fully understand this, you might want to go back and read (or possibly re-read) that post, but I will try to summarize a bit here.

In the midst of grief and loss, during a time when isolation was necessary for protection of oneself and others, I was able to find a sense of hope in the release of the Covid vaccine. All of the self-care through actions such as travel, exciting experiences, and opportunities to learn about myself and the world around me were no longer completely out of reach. I felt connected to my parents in the knowledge that I could start to return to the life I desperately wanted, and the one they always hoped for me. I could reconnect to my adventurous spirit and take advantage of all this world has to offer. I realized that this sense of wanderlust or thrill-seeking was more akin to a spiritual practice that my soul needed to return to.

Thus, my metaphorical return to my “church.”

…

During the holidays, my wife and I joined our family on a cruise visiting Cococay Island in the Bahamas and Cozumel, Mexico. It was Phoebe’s first cruise experience, and my second.

My first experience was a cruise in 2004 with my parents visiting Alaska (Juneau, Sitka, and Ketchikan- along with a stop to view Glacier Bay) and Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. It was a trip I will never forget, and it was an early, formative, and prophetic introduction to a life of adventure. At each port awaited a new place to be explored and new activities to engage with. These included a helicopter ride above the glaciers followed by a hike along the glacier surface, a chance to go whale watching where we got to view magnificent blue whales, a cultural experience learning about the Tlingit tribe and the history of their people and traditions, and a tour of the majestic Butchart Gardens.

Despite my amazing experiences at the ports on my first cruise, I had sworn I would never do another cruise for one very simple reason: seasickness.

Every time I got off the ship, it was amazing. Being on the ship, however, was a very different story.

But the point of this post isn’t to go into how miserable seasickness is. I’m going for a much more optimistic and fulfilling narrative.

So, after giving it some time and research and many lengthy talks with my endlessly patient therapist… I decided to give cruising a second chance – and god am I glad I did!!

…

Not only did I get to add a new country to my travel list (The Bahamas), but was able to snorkel in pristine blue waters with white sand beaches seeing so many beautiful fish after relaxing in the warm tropical sunshine.

While Mexico isn’t a new location for me, Cozumel was. And there, I got to check off another bucket list item: going snuba-ing. This is, as the name suggests, the hybrid of snorkeling and scuba diving. Since I have wanted my scuba certification for as long as I knew it was a thing people did (I was that kid who would watch hours of Animal Planet and, frankly, grew up to watch hours of the same sorts of shows), let’s just say this was a dream come true for me.

This time, something was very different for me though…

Did I get seasick? Oh yeah.

Were the excursions worth it? One hundred percent!

The difference was that in addition to those things, the activities – from shows to an escape room to family trivia to enjoying great food to resting on the pool deck to an absolutely incredible couples massage – were equally worth the seasickness.

Maybe this is because I’m older now. Maybe it has to do with the expectations being previously set by my first experience. Maybe it had to do with the difference in the waters and how smooth sailing was comparatively.

But I think I’ll credit it to something else entirely.

…

See, one of the things that people don’t think about with loss and trauma is how challenging holidays and anniversaries can be. I was, to be totally authentic, dreading the holidays this year.

The idea of spending them on a ship, in a foreign place, surrounded by people sounded… well… terrifying.

But, one of the things that I try to live by is the mantra that it is often the things that scare us the most that are the most worth doing. Those are the things that tend to be life-changing in the best way. Those tend to be the moments that teach you what it means to live fully.

This trip saved my holiday (which I know sounds very dramatic, but it’s the honest truth).

I was too focused on all of the aforementioned things that help me feel close to my parents and all of the ways that my family through marriage helped me to focus back on that with love and support to feel like something was missing.

Because it wasn’t.

I was living fully, and it is in those moments that I feel most able to be the embodiment of the love between me and my loved ones who have passed. They were there, too.

…

Which brings us to today, at the start of 2022, approaching the one-year anniversary of this blog, and on the cusp of my thirty-first birthday.

I try to always write my truth, so I won’t deny that there is a certain amount of anxiety that surrounds this birthday. Not so much because of the number… thirty-one does set me into my thirties a little more solidly but I maintain that I have earned every day that adds up to this age.

No, my birthday has a slightly heavier reason to raise my anxiety.

This is the point where I will give a content warning, as I will be sharing a bit about my mother’s battle with mental health and self-harm that can be triggering for many reasons. Feel free to skip to the next section if this is likely too heavy to read; please prioritize self-care.

February 3^rd, 2014, my mother attempted suicide. She took a bunch of pills and wrote a note apologizing for needing to leave, wishing me a life of joy, hoping I could understand and forgive her, and wishing me a happy 23^rd birthday.

My father found her, and the note, and called 911.

Physically, she got the treatment she needed. Emotionally and mentally, she refused.

This was her third suicide attempt and the closest she came to succeeding. I told her I couldn’t enable her not getting the help she needed, and made the very difficult decision to stop communication for the first time, which only ended when my father had his arrythmia later that same year.

I don’t write this lightly. It is a very deep wound that I have spent a lot of time and energy healing from to the best of my ability.

But the reason that this year is decidedly more difficult is that as we reach the anniversary of that event and the birthday that follows, I am facing it for the first time after my mother has passed away.

It opens that wound in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

It feels like in some ways, that loss I felt when reading that letter has come to pass.

…

My birthday falls about a month before the anniversary of my mother’s passing.

So, an unexpected gift that this trip offered me was the concept of facing these hard anniversaries by living as fully as I can. Rather than letting myself get lost in the haze of loss and pain, I can get out and start knocking off some of those things on my ever-increasing-bucket-list, and through taking action feel a little more in control of my destiny and a lot less separated from my loved ones who have passed.

So, with the support of Phoebe and my family and my therapist and I’m sure my parents as well, we have started making plans to go and do and experience and explore.

We are talking about going hang gliding around the one-year anniversary of my mother’s transition.

We are talking about a trip this Summer up to Canada to bungee jump from a two-hundred-foot platform (the tallest in the Americas) above a gorgeous limestone sinkhole, likely around Mother’s Day.

We are talking about skydiving.

We are talking about scuba certification.

We are talking about aerial acrobatics classes.

We are talking about trips overseas.

We are talking about tattoos I’ve been planning for years.

And we are not talking about someday.

…

In honor of the origin of this blog, my first post being Thirty Things I’ve Learned by Thirty, I’d like to add the thirty-first thing:

31. Make “Someday” Now

There are no promises in life. Waiting for the “right time” might have you missing out on a lot of opportunities that could enrich your life beyond your wildest dreams. Yes, it’s scary – there will always be a reason to wait – but life is happening now. So, take your dreams for someday, make a list, and start crossing those off.

I dare you!

…

Phoebe got me an amazing gift this holiday season: a set of inspirational quotes that I can change out whenever I need a boost. While I knew I wanted to write this post, what gave me the inspiration for the direction was one that I pulled a few days ago:

    “To be able to look upon one’s life in satisfaction is to live twice.” – Khalil Gibran

I intend to look back and know I have lived at least twice.

Thank you for joining me in this endeavor. I can’t wait to see where we are this time next year, but I can promise I will have a lot to write about between now and then. So, strap in and let’s get going!

Comment below if you have things that you’ve tried that impacted your life positively that you think I should add to my list (have I mentioned it’s ever growing?).

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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If you have been following along my blogging journey – or at least read my last post – then you will know I’ve been trying on a new morning and night routine. If you haven’t read my last post, Reframing Routine, now might be a good time to check it out as it will give insight into the setup for this post.

This is the part where I planned to write about how this was really challenging, an interesting experiment, and how I learned a lot. This is the part where I just knew that I would be explaining why each thing didn’t fit my life; thus, how I was feeling validated in my choice to go back to the way I have always been doing things. This was the part where I wanted to go over each step, and tell you how it added so much extra stress to my day…

So, now all that’s left to do is write that part…

Just write it…

The problem with the section on how much I was never going to keep this routine is that I can’t imagine giving it up now – and better still – I don’t have to imagine!

After my solid week of devotedly following what I had set up for myself (SO much more on this in a moment), I took a few days off from my newfound beloved routine (which had not originally been a part of my experiment), and…

I was a bundle of stress and nerves and negativity when the time to get back to work rolled around!

I know! I was surprised too!

Gone was my new friend: the sense of focused energy, productivity, and balance. In its place stood a familiar, nagging being: the feeling like the world was crumbling and I desperately needed to figure out how to hold it all together and pick up all the fallen pieces – at the same time – with only my two exhausted hands.

I hadn’t realized that was my baseline. Yikes!

An unintended part of this experience has turned out to be this amazing gift. I didn’t plan to stop the routine after the week – especially with how much I was both enjoying and benefiting from it – but life on life’s terms had different plans. This few day hiatus showed me not only how much I was benefitting from the new structure, but also what a different person I was after one week!

We will get back to this, but I promised to go into my experiment step-by-step.

Let’s get started.

…

Starting with my morning (when I got up) section. Here is a quick reminder of what that entailed:

• Drink a glass of lemon water with honey
• Meditate
• Get coffee
• Read and write in a workbook journal
• Make the bed
• Do yoga and/or go for a walk
• Do skin care routine
• Review my to-do list
• Make myself a smoothie

So, let’s break this down by step.

…

Starting every morning by drinking a glass of lemon water with honey was one of the most frequently recommended items on this list, and for good reason. Lemon water can help with heart and liver health and function, digestion and boosting metabolism, pH and electrolyte balance, and it keeps the immune system and skin healthy.

It was also the thing I was dreading the most.

I am the kind of person who wants to get up and immediately have a cup of coffee in my hand. I do not have time to drink a glass of anything that doesn’t have caffeine first thing. My preferred wake up method – especially if I have to get up early – is to be gently woken by my loving wife (I love you, Phoebe) with a cup of coffee in her hands.

Frankly, I am someone who wakes up a little queasy most days. I don’t really eat breakfast. I just sip on some coffee and then I feel better!

But this experiment was supposed to challenge myself to try these things in earnest and see how I felt. I won’t lie, this was a challenge for the first couple days. But then…

I started to not feel so awful in the morning, and even when I did, this was the thing my body wanted to make it feel better. I was less bloated, had more energy, and just felt overall less achy and sluggish. It was one of the first things I decided I would be keeping in my routine following this week.

…

The most suggested thing on this list was step two: meditation.

I have a love/hate relationship with meditation. As someone with high anxiety, meditation should be the best thing in the world for me… right? Well, it’s not really that simple.

Depending on how anxiety affects you, meditation can increase anxiety rather than lessening it. If you’re mindfully scanning your body or checking in on your emotions, and the scan looks a bit like this – head=tense, neck=TENSE, shoulders=TENSE!!! (and so on…) – it can be hard to release that. Same goes for our emotions.

Fortunately, I had my dear friend Headspace along for this journey. This isn’t a sponsored kind of thing (though it could be… Headspace, let’s talk!), this is just a tool that really helped me to relax into meditative practice again.

Meditation, as I have mentioned before, is something I grew up with. Both of my parents meditated, my family of choice meditated, even my hippie-dippie school made space for meditation in various ways in the curriculum.

I grew up meditating.

And I continued to use meditation on and off as it felt helpful as an adult – though never really got down the art of having a good practice. This is where the structure of something like Headspace helped me. I selected the meditation pack I wanted to follow (Creativity, for those who are curious), and that led me on a one day at a time journey of meditations forming a habit without my anxious mind stressing out about how this was supposed to be relaxing.

It just was relaxing. And grounding. And peaceful…

Headspace offers a lot of great one-off meditations, meditation lesson packs, mindful moments, breathing exercises, and physical exercises, to keep you on track for a more mindful day. But there are also lots of great free options with YouTube and apps that you can use too, if this is something you are thinking about adding to your day and don’t want to have to buy the specific tool I use.

This was an immediate keep for me.

…

I really don’t think I need to explain getting coffee, but I will say it paired very nicely with the next item on my list: Reading and writing in a workbook journal.

The one I chose may not be for everyone – and the title will help to clarify what I mean by that. The book is, Don’t F-ing Panic by Kelsey Darragh. This is a funny, down-to-earth, authentic, and clever book and Kelsey does a brilliant job of guiding you through exercises to better understand yourself woven together beautifully with vulnerable first-person accounts of her own journey with anxiety and panic disorders.

It felt like getting an extra daily dose of therapy (and I am always an advocate for therapy for all), mixed with a gentle reality check from a close friend reminding you to be your number one fan.

This is another thing I am decidedly keeping, and when I’ve worked my way through this book, I know I will find another, and another after that.

…

Next up is making the bed.

Now, I could go into the long psychology-based answer for why this is recommended so often, but instead I will just give you my experiential account of what makes this so impactful for my day.

After I have gotten up, had that lemon water, meditated, and journaled… I need to feel that push to start my day. It’s easy – especially as someone who works from home – to make an argument for not making the bed (or even just picking up my laptop and working right there). It’s easier, it’s cozy, I don’t have to unmake it later…

But, here’s the thing:

When I actually get up, make the bed, and set that boundary for myself that this is a separate time for work and that is the place for rest… I not only get more done, I appreciate it so much more when I do unmake the bed, get back into loungewear, and start the “restful” section of my day.

I put more focus on both the starting energy for the day and the unwinding energy.

So, if that small action can help me both start and end my day on a better note, then it’s a keeper.

…

Now that the bed was made and my mind was calmed and exercised, it was time to do the same thing for my body. This was another frequent suggestion for these routines, and, while I will never understand how people wake up at the crack of dawn to start exercising, I do see the benefits of getting your body moving to start your day.

Some days I did a bit of yoga, stretching and strengthening my body while finding a calm center to return to as the day continued. Other days, I would get outside and take a walk out in nature. Frankly, during this experiment the walk became a nearly everyday activity and often I was joined by my lovely wife.

We have very recently moved, and we now live right next to a wetland refuge with a glorious walking trail. This made going for a walk super appealing, as we would walk around this big, beautiful pond and just feel the connection to mother earth and the escape from the hustle of day-to-day life. It helped us both to slow down and appreciate the beauty around us. It was a bonding experience.

Because of our newfound walking trail, we were able to focus on the wildlife and let go of our stress for a little while. It is very hard to feel stressed when you see big, beautiful flowers and trees, hundreds of dragonflies and butterflies, a giant crane preening its feathers, a beaver building its dam, turtles bobbing up and down as they were swimming in the warm sun, or a sweet little shy snake reversing its course as our paths crossed.

Having this connection to so much nature is a big departure from the city environment we have been so stuck in, and getting to experience it each day was motivation to keep getting up and moving. On the best days, I had the benefit of both the yoga and the walking in nature.

This is a very obvious keep.

…

The order of this step and the previous one shifted through the week, but I figured I would write it out in the intended order I had laid out. This brings me to my skin care routine.

Now, as I have mentioned, this isn’t one of the things I wasn’t doing and wanted to try out. This was something that I wanted to put more intention into. I wanted to emphasize the self-care in this act of kindness to myself rather than rushing through the bare minimum.

This meant that rather than simply washing my face, applying eye cream, and finishing with my daytime lotion, I was taking a little more time with it. I was slowing the process down, adding in a face massage, maybe some gua sha and face roller time, and adding in some positive affirmations throughout the process.

Taking the time to do a little extra, putting the focus on self-love, and making myself a priority felt really good at the beginning of each day. Even if I have days where doing the extra steps doesn’t fit into my schedule, keeping the mentality, and mindfully doing the activity of this part of my day is something I am very committed to keeping.

…

The next step on this list – and we are nearing the end of the morning routine – is going over my to-do list. This first and foremost meant having a to-do list to go over. Again, especially if you have been following this blog since day one (or post one), one of my “Thirty Things I’ve Learned by Thirty” is to write things down. I know that having a list of things I want to accomplish helps me accomplish them. I know that a to-do list helps me get things done.

Which is why this action made it into my new routine. Again, I like to think that I’m pretty good at this habit – maybe even too good at times – but this was about changing my relationship to having rituals in my day-to-day life and it felt like a good time to reflect on how I could better use this tool.

Having a roadmap for my day of things I needed to get done did make me more productive. Even if it didn’t all get done, it could then just be moved to the top of the list for the following day. I still highly recommend this one, and yes, it is also something I will be keeping.

…

Now we finally move on to the last – and surprisingly most challenging – part of my morning routine. There are a few reasons for this, and I did find a good work around throughout the week.

Smoothies are one of my go-to breakfasts as someone who doesn’t really like to eat in the beginning of my day (as mentioned above). And this was on a surprising number of lists for “how to start your day right” because it’s an easy way to get servings of fruit and veggies early on and it’s good if you’re on the go. So, this should have been the easiest part for me…

However, this was also the week that Phoebe and I discovered a brand of cold-brew coffee packed with whey protein. This was great for two people who are not the best at doing more than coffee in the morning, but not so good for the challenge of doing a smoothie every day. I wasn’t hungry, so it wasn’t happening.

It didn’t help that having just moved, the kitchen wasn’t the most usable yet either…

But I found a happy medium of adding in a Naked brand fruit and veggie smoothie called a Rainbow Machine a few days in, and that seems to work on the days when making a smoothie doesn’t. I will call that a win.

And, despite the difficulties, it is a goal I am still aiming to keep.

…

If you are still with me on this journey, let me just extend a huge thank you! I really enjoyed this challenge, and frankly, have each of you to thank for me keeping up with it! Having the knowledge that I had a follow-up to write kept me honest and led me to some really important self-discovery. So, thank you, and I hope that you are getting something from this, too.

…

Now we can move on to the night-time (when I went to bed) routine. Here is a reminder of what that included:

• Make a to-do list
• Read something inspirational or write
• Take my vitamins and supplements
• Do skin care routine
• Do yoga or stretching for relaxation
• Drink a cup of stress relief tea
• Set up my aromatherapy
• Make an entry in my gratitude journal
• Meditate

In case you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of corresponding activities that book-end each side of my day, so I will try to be brief in discussing those similar items on these lists.

…

Starting with step one: making a to-do list.

As I have already written about the other end of the day and how this was helpful to have, I will try to focus on the other aspects of why the making of the list set me up for success.

Obviously, and as I have already said, to have the aid of a to-do list, you have to make a to-do list. One of the things that I noticed throughout the week was that writing down what I would need to get to the next day allowed me to set those things aside for the night because – mentally – they were already a problem for tomorrow.

As someone who chronically overthinks, stresses about all of the things on my plate, and tends to ruminate on things that probably can’t even be dealt with until the next day – this was extremely helpful. I would simply write it down, and both literally and figuratively set it aside.

Definitely a keep (but I guess that was decided by keeping the morning half of this).

…

Taking some time to read each evening was also a really nice addition to my day. It was a bit of a throwback, as my parents (often my dad), would read to me every night before bed as a child and I continued the habit of reading most nights through high school.

But somewhere between starting college and present day, that habit disappeared. Don’t get me wrong, I still read a lot, just not so much before bed. So, having this ranked so high on “ways to end your day right” pushed me to return to this.

I have been reading The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoff, which explains eastern philosophy through the beloved characters of Winnie-the-Pooh. My father introduced me to this author with his book The Tao of Pooh, which is the predecessor to this book. It’s been a thought provoking, calming, and enjoyable read. Highly recommend both of these books, and also this practice.

I know it’s something I will be continuing.

…

While I won’t write a huge section on all of my vitamins and supplements that I take for my own personal well-being, I will say that I have found that having consistency with these has made me feel better overall, and that makes this a huge keep for me.

I will just add that I do highly encourage you to take inventory of what may be lacking in your diet and consider adding some of those things in (but must again state I’m not a doctor and do not recommend starting anything up without looking into it and/or consulting a doctor).

For me, having a good prebiotic/probiotic blend, magnesium, omega-3, multivitamin, and upping my vitamin C and vitamin D, balances out a lot. This is also a good time to get in a good dose of CBD.

…

My nighttime skin care looked a lot like my daytime skin care (changing out the day cream for night cream), but I slowed down even more and added in the occasional mask or under eye mask. Much like with my daytime routine, this was a shift in intent. I wasn’t just going through the motions, I was doing this self-care with purpose and showing myself that I deserve to feel nurtured by me.

This became a time to thank myself for the work I did during the day, unwind, and really start to relax.

Again, decidedly a keeper.

…

Doing yoga and stretching before bed is one of the few things on these lists that I have always wanted to be able to say I did, but honestly rarely made time for. So, it seemed like a very obvious addition to this challenge.

I knew the theory behind it and that it could help with feeling better (and maybe even improving quality of sleep), but I had never put in the effort. But that was what this whole challenge was about – putting in the effort and analyzing the effect.

This should surprise no one, but it does help ease stress held in the body and thus does make you feel better (and it may have even improved my quality of sleep).

I will also be continuing this practice.

…

I don’t really feel the need to write a whole lot about the benefits of drinking a stress reducing tea or setting up my diffuser, but I will say that adding these to my ritual was a lovely addition to winding down. I deeply looked forward to this part of my day and I do think it helped me relax.

For anyone curious, I was drinking a blend of herbal teas including but not limited to: kava, lavender, chamomile, valerian, red clover, and raspberry leaf. And for the diffuser, I stuck to some combination of my Dream blend (which I have written about before), lavender, and patchouli.

Too relaxing and lovely to not be a keep.

…

Gratitude practice is another thing you will have seen me write about before, and I am certain it will come up again. I liked the idea of adding it in to this challenge because ending your day on a positive note of listing three things you are grateful for sets the tone not only for how you go to bed, but also for how you wake up.

Sometimes, it’s enough to remember that even on the most stressful of days, you enjoyed the sunshine or a beautiful moment with someone you love. Those little things add up and with them, so does a more positive outlook on life.

This was also a great way to encourage me to stick to this habit that I – admittedly – fall in and out of with great ease and fluidity. But as this challenge was about setting up structure, I figured it might help with that. And it did!

This is another easy and obvious keep for me.

…

Which brings us to the end of the list: nighttime meditation.

While I used my morning meditation time to do a structured, guided meditation practice, I used my nighttime meditation to do a more laid back, freeform meditation. If my morning meditation was practicing ballet, then my nighttime meditation was an improvised lyrical movement.

I utilized smiling meditations, visualizations, breathing mindfully, and repetition of my mantras.

This gentle meditation practice at the end of each day allowed for me to slow down my thoughts and prepare for a more restorative night.

A solid keep.

…

So, in case you haven’t picked up on the pattern, all of the things I tried out ended up on a keep list. In fact, when I went to pare things down, I went down the list and with each item I asked myself, “what about this?” and answered, “nope, keeping that!”

Thus, I had my new routine. But as I mentioned before, I had an unintended control in this experiment.

Following my week of structured routine, I had a long weekend that included my wedding anniversary, and thus decided that this would be one of those times where I was more lenient with my new routine. I missed most of it for three days and the morning of the fourth.

But, as I mentioned above, when it came time to get back to the grindstone that afternoon, I was kind of a frazzled wreck.

In conclusion, this experiment taught me a lot about my relationship to routine and how to reframe it into a positive part of my life. I will still never be “that girl” who wakes up before the sun and jumps out of bed singing like I’m starring in a musical. I do not see myself succeeding at structure without allowances for flexibility. But I did learn that these little shifts in my mentality and my willingness to try something outside of my comfort zone has led to a better start, middle, and end to my days.

…

Speaking of learning, I have found one more thing that I want to continue in my life. When I set up this challenge, I also set up a goal to:

• Make a vision board
• Try something new I’ve never tried
• Learn something new
• Find a way to pay it forward

I succeeded at all of the above.

I made a vision board for the first time in probably fifteen years, and it was cool to see the things that I wanted to bring into my life. I did post pictures of the board to my Instagram for anyone who is interested.

I tried incorporating Chi Gong into my morning exercise one morning and it is something I will be incorporating more often (and maybe even looking into a class/group). I loved the energy flow and boost, and I look forward to continuing that journey.

I learned a bit about the history and art of Haiku poetry, as I was adjudicating a Haiku poetry competition and also am incorporating the poetry form into a new project of mine. I find it helps to understand the beginning of an artform to understand how it has grown into its current state.

I did find a way to pay it forward, or rather, as so often is the case with these things – it found me. While going into the grocery store, Phoebe and I were approached by a very tentative man who shared a bit of his story and asked for some assistance affording a meal. He simply asked if we could bring him any kind of food while we did our shopping. We got him set up, and I genuinely send a little light and love his way hoping that things have started to look up. I know I can’t fix all the problems in the world, but when I can help, I want to.

While these are all things that I will continue to do in my life, the thing that I most want to keep is the simple setup for these goals:

Make – Try – Learn – Find

If I can include making something, trying something, learning something, and finding something into my life more often, that is a very easy way to ensure continued growth. And that, my friends, is a goal I will always be resetting.

…

I thoroughly enjoyed this whole experiment and hope that you have enjoyed reading about it!

I would love to encourage more interaction on these posts, so please comment below with a different challenge you would like to see me try and then write about the process! I want to hear from you!

You can also let me know if you would ever try any of this yourself, and if you have, what your experience was.

Can’t wait to read your ideas below!

Until next time!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

Comment

I hate to admit, but I am someone who cringes at the word routine…

I get stressed out trying to plan and fit specifics into my everyday life. It’s not that I haven’t tried; in fact, I have tried many, many times. But, for whatever reason, when my life isn’t go-with-the-flow, I find that I feel anxiety growing rather than the desired response of lessening my struggle.

I’m sure this stems back to childhood or other past trauma, having to follow certain routines that were decidedly not of my choosing. But nevertheless, here I am, a thirty-year-old woman, who wants to run screaming at the notion of making and keeping a routine (even if I do get to make the rules).

It would be hard to avoid the data on how many people are finding calm, clarity, and self-care through practices such as the Miracle Morning or Million Dollar Morning. People dedicate blogs, vlogs, YouTube channels, and even entire books to how these routines have improved their lives.

I have also recently encountered the “That Girl” trend on social media – which admittedly seems like taking something that exists and calling it new in the same vein that dust rose has now been dubbed “Millennial Pink” (insert eye roll). At best, it’s rebranding to attract a younger generation…

It doesn’t help that the base rule for almost every single one of these Empower Your Day lists is, “wake up before the sun and greet the day with zeal and optimism”…

Those two things are mutually exclusive in my book.

Period.

I joke about the fact that I am a nocturnal creature, but the truth is, if I’m up at sunrise it’s because I am having insomnia and I am getting ready for bed. I’m not promoting this lifestyle, not even a little bit. If you, like me, suffer from insomnia, then you know it is not a choice I am making – it’s the default. However, insomnia aside, my circadian rhythm dances to the beat of its own drum and that drum beats on the opposite end of the day for these early morning rituals.

So, when I started reading articles about tailoring the ritual to fit your lifestyle rather than trying to force yourself into a mold that fits about as well as a pair of jeans that are five sizes too small, I was intrigued. It begged the question:

Could I learn to incorporate routine?

If I got to set what the list included, when I did these items, and how flexible this list was, could I make and stick to a morning and evening routine? And perhaps more intriguing, could I benefit from it and even enjoy it?

Many of the articles I was reading about the tailored versions of these routines emphasize being gentle with yourself and remembering why you are doing this in the first place. This is supposed to bring you a less stressful and more productive day, not feel like adding on to your to-do list. This is meant to be “you time” and a “get to”, so if it’s not feeling that way then it’s not the right list for you.

The other part of this is that, yes, ideally you would be doing your whole routine every day. But life is rarely set up for ideal, at least in my experience, so allowing it to be ok to not do everything when it doesn’t work to do so is another key component of this fitting my lifestyle. Basically, it is telling my perfectionist self it is ok to not do this perfectly and that I need to not beat myself up when I inevitably miss a step or even an entire day. A novel concept, I know.

These routines are about self-care, not self-critique.

Which led me to the following morning and evening routines, which I intend to try for – at least – the next week, and then see how I am feeling about routine.

…

Mornings (When I get up):

• Drink a glass of lemon water with honey
• Meditate
• Get coffee
• Read and write in a workbook journal
• Make the bed
• Do yoga and/or go for a walk
• Do skin care routine
• Review my to-do list
• Make myself a smoothie

Nights (When I go to bed):

• Make a to-do list
• Read something inspirational or write
• Take my vitamins and supplements
• Do skin care routine
• Do yoga or stretching for relaxation
• Drink a cup of stress relief tea
• Set up my aromatherapy
• Make an entry in my gratitude journal
• Meditate

…

Depending on where you are in your journey, this may seem like a small list, or it may seem like I’m biting off a whole lot. Or maybe this looks a whole lot like what you are doing. Whatever the case may be, this is the list that feels doable for me (and one that may actually add to my overall happiness and productivity).

My plan is to follow this to the best of my ability for the next week and then report back. You, without doing more than reading this blog, are my accountability buddies. It would feel pretty sad to make a post laying out the groundwork for this challenge, and then not follow though…

I guess I’m saying thank you in advance.

In my follow up, I will go into more detail about what each of these things on these lists entails for me. I will also be telling you what I enjoyed about each thing, what was challenging, and whether or not I feel that I would keep it in my routine.

I will also be reporting back whether or not I will be keeping a routine. I may also find that I need more time to decide. If this is the conclusion, you may find that you are on this journey with me for a while.

I promise there are a lot of other things I’ll be writing about too.

…

In addition to the routines listed above, I have set a few goals to complete during the week that are also for self-care and setting myself up for success. These are all proven methods of growth and finding more meaning in your day-to-day life. So, during the next week, I will be doing the following:

• Make a vision board
• Try something new I’ve never tried
• Learn something new
• Find a way to pay it forward

…

I have something in mind for each of these, but in the name of living life on life’s terms, I won’t be setting these in stone just yet. I still have to have a bit of freedom to go with the flow. But I will definitely be reporting back on these as well!

I may also be posting about this along the way on social media, so feel free to check out my Instagram if you’re curious.

I want this self-improvement challenge to be something that doesn’t make me feel lesser if I ultimately decide that it isn’t something I’m going to continue, at least not in its entirety. I even hesitate to use the word improvement for that very reason. I do not think that I am not enough or that I need to improve; that is not the reason I’m doing this. I am doing this to find out if adding these things into my life with purpose will help me to feel better, not to try and make myself better.

Another point that I want to make is that all of these things are things that I already do, just not with the regularity and purpose this challenge will implement. These are not completely foreign to me, just the manner in which I will be doing them is.

…

So, all that’s left to do now is follow the challenge I have set above, make note of my experience, and report back. Which is another way to say, try this super hard thing that you have been avoiding your entire adult life and actually commit to a routine and be accountable because I have made this a public experiment…

Let’s see what I’ve signed up for and gotten myself into. More to the point, let’s see if I can reframe my relationship with routine. Wish me luck!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

Comment

Holidays can be tricky following loss. At least, I know they are for me. Grief has a way of turning happy memories into bittersweet nostalgia, and positive associations into pressure and anxiety. This makes July extra challenging, as we kick it off with the 4^th (which will be the focus for this particular post), but the month also includes both of my parents’ birthdays.

For my mother, this would be her 60^th, a huge milestone that I didn’t get to share with either of my parents. For my father, this would be his 62^nd. These anniversaries and holidays just seem to serve as an unfair and somewhat constant reminder of the changes that loss, by definition, implements. Even in an ideal setting, it becomes difficult – if not impossible – to separate celebration and the reminder of what is missing from that celebration.

The things that used to be a part of every year. Things you don’t, and can’t, prepare for no longer being in the picture.

Which guides us to the beginning of my main discussion: July 4^th.

Now, it should surprise no one who knows me (or anyone who has been reading along with me for the past five months) that I am not particularly patriotic. I don’t want this to become a long rant on my political alignment, so lets just keep it short and sweet by saying that I am far more liberal than any administration our country has ever had in leadership. That being said, I don’t take it lightly that we have gotten through some beyond-conservative years that left an impact on our country which will take a very long time to fully recover from.

That is, however, for another post.

One I am certainly happy to write. I’ve already done a post on religion, so delving into politics and money are not things I would shy away from. And to be clear, this post is likely to touch on a lot of political stances, which is just my gentle warning for those who tend to lean right that this might not be the right post for them.

But I digress…

…

Growing up, my family celebrated the 4^th of July pretty much the same way every year.

We had a membership to a pool that had a huge celebration all day long with numerous activities from red, white, and blue arts and crafts, to aquatic competitions like breaking into teams to try to capture an oiled-up watermelon which we would then share as a community.

Shockingly, I preferred the beaded bracelets and tie dying station.

After that, we’d return to our cul-de-sac and have a community block party with a potluck, water balloon fight, and – once the sun set – lots and lots of fireworks.

There came a point in time where my awareness of politics turned me off of the whole day, but that’s not the majority of this piece. No, I want to focus on that last tradition I think many Americans are pretty familiar with.

Fireworks.

I have a deeply complicated relationship with this tradition, and that is what I intend to examine here.

I remember so fondly the first time my dad let me light the fireworks and then run back before the fuse burnt down and sparks flew. I remember being so in awe that the fire could make so many shapes and colors. I remember being so excited to get up and go pick out a pack with my father from the stand down the street along with some larger “grand finale” pieces.

I’m sure this all paints a rather different picture than expected based on my intro, but trust me, we’re getting to the complicated parts soon enough.

The older I got, the more aware of politics I was. The more I became aware of politics, the more aware I was of the less than favorable policies that existed. Politics are complicated, but it was hard to celebrate “the land of the free” when I was growing up to learn that I wasn’t truly free to fall in love, get married, and have a family if my future partner was a woman. Biases – or even hate – based on race and religion were not things of the past, but were part of many Americans’ daily lives. A nation built on immigration was cruel and unjust to those who sought to build a life here. Veterans who had made significant sacrifices for our country were turned away when they needed our country to look out for them. Poverty, food insecurity, and homelessness were real issues that were in our own neighborhoods. And environmental issues like climate change were debated as if they weren’t scientific fact.

This was a country I was supposed to pledge my allegiance to? This was the nation I was meant to have pride in? This was the place I was meant to celebrate a day of independence for every year, when people’s rights to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” were in constant question?

Didn’t feel like something I was comfortable celebrating anymore.

My family respected my growing political self-discovery, and we changed our 4^th of July celebrations to days of creating protest performance art and focusing on what changes we could make to help aid the aforementioned issues facing this country.

Which, for the protection of the environment and out of respect for veterans with PTSD, meant no more fireworks.

…

It’s no surprise that fireworks are not good for the environment, but the extent to which they are bad and some of the specific reasons why actually did surprise even me. Every level of putting off fireworks has a negative impact on our eco-systems. To create them means harvesting resources from nature: razing forests and blasting into mountains. The residual rock from the mountains gets dumped in our valleys, harming the natural flow of streams.^[1] Not to mention the hazard of causing wildfires in a season where they are already prevalent.^[2]

Setting off fireworks all over our country over such a short timespan creates a large amount of smoke and haze carrying with it debris containing hazardous chemicals, toxins, and metal particles, that can stay in the air for days or even weeks. Some of this debris settles into the soil and water and never fully decomposes or disintegrates, leaving a lasting impact on our eco-systems.^[1]

These dangerous colorants, chemicals, and particles can cause serious health issues^[3] which, like many health hazards, have a larger effect on the elderly and young children.^[1][2] There is also a correlation between the worst of these harmful ramifications to health and marginalized communities, often communities of color, as the impact is worse in cities due to a higher volume of fireworks being emitted.^[2]

There is also significant noise pollution associated with fireworks^[2] which is most harmful to veterans of war or first responders who have faced gun violence or explosions. These sounds resemble those on purpose as a reminder of what it took to gain our independence (“…and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air…”). But that sort of reminder for those who have actually experienced the non-metaphorical blasts can trigger PTSD or simply serve as a very unsettling call-back to things that may be difficult to confront. These, our nation’s heroes, may not see this tradition in the same light as those of us who are fortunate to have never experienced that harsh reality.

These sounds can also be jarring to anyone with an anxiety disorder or PTSD, as sudden loud noises or flashes of color can trigger panic responses or simply put people on edge.

All of the above raises questions on the ethical nature of this tradition for me.

So, it’s not difficult to see why I have avoided this tradition for years based on my personal and political beliefs.

…

I want to take a moment here to clarify that I am not writing this to condemn fireworks or shame those who love this tradition. As my title would imply, I simply wanted to draw attention to the many different opinions – positive and negative – and start a conversation.

Now that that’s been said, back to the post…

…

Having a better understanding of my complicated history with the traditions of July 4^th, from positive memories of family traditions carried on through the generations to the myriad of political points of contention, you will be better able to imagine my surprise when this year found me at a 4^th of July block party, actually looking forward to the fireworks and enjoying them.

They were beautiful and exciting. It gave me that same feeling I had as a child of awe and amusement. It was made even better by the fact that my wife’s parents had purchased Holographic Diffraction Grating Glasses (my father-in-law is a physicist and professor, and these allow you to see the color spectrum cast by different light sources making them a great teaching aid – you may want to look these up for yourself, as I know my explanation is VERY incomplete). These glasses turned regular fireworks into dancing rainbows across the night sky.

I wasn’t focused on the losses that could have made this a challenging thing to enjoy, but rather, saw this as a way to connect to my parents through something we shared so many times. This brought me a little closer to them.

…

Again, this isn’t really a post that is strictly for or against fireworks. They are both dangerous and delighting. Problematic and picturesque. My relationship to the tradition is perhaps more complicated than ever before.

I think there are ways to limit the damages caused by fireworks. For example, I have read that in Sydney, Australia, they are able to have a 100 percent carbon neutral firework display. People are asked to walk, bike, or take public transportation. The fireworks are made from biodegradable materials and waste is all recyclable. Any other side effects from their display is offset by the investment in carbon offsets which support clean and renewable energy projects that lower greenhouse gas emissions.^[1]

As for the aspects of this that cause spikes in anxiety, panic attacks, and triggers to PTSD, perhaps the answer lies in regulations that would provide quiet safe spaces to celebrate without worrying about the harsh sounds for people affected, in combination with limitations on when and where fireworks can be set off. Having designated firework friendly zones would also create a sense of community I think many of us are seeking following so much isolation.

The one thing I am more certain about where fireworks are concerned is this: I think it’s time we spark an open conversation.

Peace and Love,

Kelly

Comment

…

Citations

1. TerraPass. (2021, May 24). Fireworks: Their Impact on the Environment. Retrieved July 9, 2021, from https://www.terrapass.com/blog/fireworks-impact-environment.
2. Stone, M. (2021, July 02). The hidden toll of July Fourth fireworks. Retrieved July 09, 2021, from https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/article/the-hidden-toll-of-july-fourth-fireworks.
3. Abou-Sabe, K. (2015, July 4). Study: Fireworks release high levels of pollution on July 4 weekend. Retrieved July 9, 2021, from https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/fireworks-bad.

Over the last few weeks, I have had the great privilege and honor to be a guest on some fantastic podcasts where a large part of the conversation has been my journey and struggles with mental health (you can find the two that have been released on the Media section of my website). This part of my story isn’t a pretty one, but I feel like it is one that needs to be spoken about with authenticity, openness, and honesty.

Ending the stigma around mental heath is always important, but for me, it is especially important because of the winding path that I had to take to even figure out what I was dealing with. When things in your life look “normal”, it is difficult to see forest for the trees.

As important as this topic is, I feel it is only fair to warn you that there may be some triggering information in this post. I will be discussing in more depth than before the medical and emotional aspects of reaching the diagnoses of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and complex grief. Because these manifest so physically, there will be a lot of discussion about medical tests, misdiagnosis, the symptoms and pain I struggled with, and the darkest parts of this aspect of my life.

If this is too much, I understand. We all have things that trigger us – god knows I do – so please take care of you. However, if you can read this without it causing you distress, I think it will help you to understand a little more about mental health and that things aren’t always as they appear.

So, let’s start at the beginning.

…

Misdiagnosed

Chronic
Fatigue
Pain
Disease
Words are jumbled
While doctors mumble
Another test
Another guess
Try this pill
Be still
You’re ill
It’s in your head
Stay in bed
Aches
Nausea
Chills
Insomnia
Another needle
Another bruise
Another word they choose
To avoid what’s clearly there
Look into my eyes and see I’m scared
Oh, so blissfully unaware
Draw another vial
While panic builds up bile
And pretend you don’t see me
Call it anything but anxiety
Not something they’d expect
When lies make life look perfect
This is the treatment that you get

…

To explain how we reached the point of this first poem, we need to travel way back to when I was seven years old, and my anxiety and depression first started to manifest physically.

To start, let me set the stage. My parents were never “stable.” There were times when they were more stable than others, but there was a perpetual sword of Damocles positioned over the happier times with my family. I never knew when the other shoe would drop, simply that it would. And when it did, it would be bad.

Somehow, it was my job to keep this from happening.

At least, that was what time and experience had taught me. That was the message repeated by my mother who sought to triangulate and offload the messiness of her marital unhappiness by dragging me in to, essentially, provide couples counseling.

 If I failed, the resulting unhappiness was my fault.

As my parents would often get into their worst fights after I had gone to bed at this point in time, naturally, I developed a deep-rooted anxiety surrounding bedtime. My heart would start to palpitate, my palms would start to sweat, my face would get hot while I was shivering cold, and I would experience extreme nausea.

In present day, it is beyond obvious that what I was enduring were severe panic attacks. But that wasn’t how my parents saw it.

My father thought I had a nervous stomach (accurate), and that I just needed to find a way to control it to stay out of trouble (less accurate). My mother saw my nearly nightly vomiting and jumped to bulimia and became very angry that I was seeking attention that way… Now, I decidedly wasn’t experiencing bulimia, but if I had been, responding to that (or any mental health issue) by getting angry and expecting it to get better if she yelled at me enough was a reflection on her own lack of mental clarity.

After many visits to my pediatrician, my father was able to help me find tools to ground that negative energy and stop that particular incarnation of my anxiety for a while.

…

Jump forward.

I was sixteen years old and had just been through my first major heartbreak. My parents’ relationship was devolving in conjunction with my mother’s dissent into her own mental heath struggles. I found myself tired all of the time, having little interest in the things that once gave me a sense of confidence and purpose, and saw a return of that endless nausea.

Having had Mononucleosis the previous Summer, my parents and doctor were convinced I had come down with another round of it. But when I started to experience severe pain in every muscle in my body as if they were slowly turning to fire, and each and every bone felt both broken and filled with lead, and I could barely eat or keep weight on, and my visually mundane skin felt battered and bruised… I found myself bedridden.

With no warning, my life became a series of doctors who were specialists in their respective fields running every test known to man or medicine. While taking blood, and getting imaging, and collecting cells from my cheek, words like Cancer and Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis were casually tossed about. When the tests came back negative, the answer was more poking and prodding. More life altering conditions thrown into the mix. More investigation and attempts to solve it with this pill or that one.

I went from being a student in the middle of my high school experience to being a lab rat.

Talk about getting demoted.

But in all of this investigative and invasive testing, mental health wasn’t brought up. At all. Period.

See, the problem was that from the outside, my home life looked idyllic. A nuclear family with stable income and a good social circle… No one suspected a thing. Which is how I earned the diagnosis of elimination: Fibromyalgia. A chronic pain syndrome with no cure, no real treatments, and no hope.

Unfortunately, this diagnosis was as annoying to my mother as it was for me (if not more so).

…

Misunderstood

Crazy
Faker
Lazy
Taker
Get out of bed!
This is just in your head!
Another pain
Another excuse
You’ll try to use
Life’s not this hard
Put up your guard
And just play your part
Broken
Insane
Worthless
Your brain is to blame
Do you feel enough shame?
For the pain you keep pretending
Is never ending
Bending the world to see you as ill
Manipulate others with your will
You do so with such skill
There’s nothing wrong with you
It’s just your weakness shining through
This isn’t projection!
This is my rejection!
Your life is perfection
(Where’s my protection?)

…

My mother vacillated back and forth between pitying her weak, sickly daughter and pitying herself for having to take care of me. She wanted the daughter who could live life for her, not this sorry excuse who was struggling to eat, couldn’t sleep, and hurt all of the time.

This was when the word “depression” finally entered the picture.

Not for the real reasons I was – and had been – facing depression for all of those years. No, it was simply attributed to losing my teenage years to Fibromyalgia and the daunting nature of facing a lifelong illness that had no real means of diagnosis and certainly had no cure. I would be on medication for it forever. I would be sick forever. I was labeled and yet they kept testing for other things.

But it was enough to get me into a therapist for the first time.

We talked about my illness, my heartbreak, my loss of identity to those things… And then, being a wonderful and astute therapist, she started to question my home life. Specifically, my relationship with my mother.

I wish I could say that I had the courage at that time to open up and share what I was facing, the unadulterated and uncensored version. I wish I could say I started processing through years of trauma and abuse. But, alas, there is a time for everything and everything in its time…

It wasn’t time.

I decided to stop therapy and figure out how to cope on my own without anyone getting close enough to see what was really going on. I played my part well.

Too well.

…

Needless to say, life kept happening and I was along for the ride. My parents were all but separated and still refusing to call it quits. The fears that I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything echoed daily. I feared I had no future, but I did a really good job at concealing it all, suppressing the emotional pain in exchange for its physical manifestations.

It wasn’t long before I met Phoebe (if you haven’t already, this might be a good time to read From Homecoming to Coming Home). When I say I was a mess when we met, well, this is what I mean.

Despite my feeling sick so often, I graduated high school with honors and went on to art school at The Corcoran College of Art and Design. Again, I really played the part of “perfect daughter” a little too well…

But, as is the way with trauma and emotional pain, concealing it from the world couldn’t last forever.

After a particularly nasty fight with my mother involving cruel emotional abuse, I had to confront the fact that I had been self-harming to cope with the pain I couldn’t control – without any awareness that it was self-harm – and I had to face the thoughts that I felt like everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. I used to have these kinds of thoughts when I was about three years old, but to have them in adulthood was different.

I needed to go back to therapy.

…

Shortly after getting engaged, Phoebe (who by now knew all of the messy and fraudulent dynamics of my family) and I were confronted with several low points in rapid succession. My parents had a very nasty and violent split. My mother kicked me out of my childhood home for not siding with her in the split despite her being the attacker. From there, my mother’s mental health spiraled into multiple suicide attempts and after years of trying to reach her, I had to step away from that relationship.

I went through multiple times where eating was nearly impossible, and I could forget about sleeping. On the rare occasion that I did sleep, I was plagued by constant night terrors. Keeping weight on became a struggle once more. I was barely holding myself together.

…

My father had his arrythmia in November of 2014, three months after Phoebe and I got married and nine months after severing ties with my mother. This traumatic event forced the gates of communication open, and my mother re-entered my life with the understanding that there were new boundaries to the relationship.

I have said this before, and I guarantee I will say it again: the day my father passed away broke me in a way that I feared I couldn’t come back from.

I was lost.

And I was terrified.

…

Mistaken

Fear
Shaking
Trembling
Aching
The panic is back
Another attack within
Swallow another pill
Keep it down with your will
Or it’s back to injection
Psychiatry
Psychology
Experience
Biology
Hard to fix their mistakes
Hard to patch up the breaks
Tired of living this way
Haunted and hunted every day
No hope for ever feeling safe
My heart pounding through my chest
Gripping the skin above my breast
What I wouldn’t give to rest
You just have to calm down
You just need to talk it out
About to cave in
Now named, still hidden
Still having to pretend
This pain has no end
Anxiety still wins

…

So, by this point in my story I had replaced the label of a diagnosis of elimination with the labels of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and complex grief.

I feel like now might be a really good time to state I hate labels.

But, at least this was something that they could help me with. I started on medications, I stayed in therapy, I revisited the catharsis I found in writing poetry… Unfortunately, it was still too much to handle.

Enter the next act in the play of my life, which included: cyclical vomiting, ER visits, stays in the hospital so they could keep me hydrated and monitored, and panic attacks like I had never had before. It felt like a burdensome trial that I couldn’t come back from.

All that I could do was try to make sense of my struggles by writing them down.

It was my form of prayer at the time. Prayer to my own body to stop putting itself through all of this. Praying that they would run the right series of tests that would find a conclusive physical ailment they could actually fix. Praying that they wouldn’t run yet another series of tests for physical ailments I knew would be negative. Praying that if I could just be ok for a little while, then maybe I could learn to fake ok again.

And, sometimes, things felt a little closer to ok.

…

Misguided

Rest
Peace
Moment
Release
Freedom sweet
Feeling complete
Finally feeling whole again
Finally finding pain can end
Even if I must pretend
Fake it ‘til you make it
You can take it
Masked
Talking
Fighting
Blocking
Clocking in another hour
Now I’m supposed to be empowered
Fixing the mind
Learn to be kind
To myself when I speak
Tell myself I’m not weak
When I’ve been shaking all week
But for a moment
I felt content
Unrelenting is the voice of fear
So embrace each moment it’s not here
And when it returns
When the fear burns
In my chest
I’ll do my best
To pass fear’s test
Can’t stress this task
Remove the mask
It’s my own inner plight
It’s myself I must fight

…

The problem with the “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy is that you can’t pretend your problems are gone because no matter where you go, there you are. You can’t run away from you and those hurts and angers are a part of you that needs to be seen and validated. Not by a doctor, not by a therapist, not even by your partner or family (though those things help too).

The person who has to validate those hard experiences is you.

You have to find the courage to be scared. You have to find the strength to be fragile. You have to find a way to be ok with not being ok.

It takes deep introspection, and a willingness to meet yourself where you are. You have to trust that you have your back and you can get up when you fall down.

Life is going to give you hard times; maybe yours will look like mine, and maybe they will be distinctly and uniquely yours, but you can get through them.

The moment I realized I wasn’t running away from my pain was the moment I started to mend myself back together again. It wasn’t me against the world. It wasn’t me against the things that had hurt me. It certainly wasn’t me against myself. I finally saw, clear as day, I wasn’t the enemy.

I was and am my greatest ally.

…

Missing Me 

Ok
Better
Present
Unfettered
Not defined
By plague of mind
Not just fine
I speak my truth
I speak of my youth
I speak of pain
I speak to regain
My life unlived
I learn to forgive
Other’s mistakes
And the ones I have made
I’m grateful I stayed
I’m grateful for me
This is the way to be free
Honest
True
Resolution
Breakthrough
It’s ok to be where you are
It’s ok to have some scars
Don’t hide them
Embrace the hymn
Your story within
That by any other name
Would still be pain
And the lessons gained
Would release that restraining
No longer feigning brave
But feeling the wave
Of my power
I can devour
Anything thrown my way
And I know it’s just another day
And it’s ok

…

I wanted to share all of the shadowy parts of my story because I am proud of my scars. There is an artform in Japanese culture that I talk about a lot in tandem with the topic of mental health because the analogy is so meaningful. The art is called Kintsukuroi and it is the mending of broken ceramics with gold. They do so because they view the piece as being more beautiful for having been through a damaging experience.

We, too, are more beautiful when we look upon our broken parts with gentleness and tenderly piece ourselves back together with light and love.

I hope that in sharing this with you, you are inspired to extend a little extra compassion to yourself.

All of the poems in this series can be found in my collection, Where the Light Shines Through: A Memoir in Poetry. Sign up for my monthly newsletter and you could win a free eBook copy!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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Today was a good day.

Today, my wife and I were able to get the first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. I have cried, multiple times, not because it hurt but because I feel like I have been given the greatest gift possible: Hope.

This may sound like a dramatic response, but I genuinely feel this way. If I had a penny for every time I have said to my endlessly patient wife, “When we get through this, I want to try this activity!” or “When it’s safe, we should travel here!”

Even just the number of times we have noted, “The last time we hugged anyone else was X number of months ago…”

Let’s just say, I would be able to afford ALL of the trips, classes, and experiences that I have been dreaming about for when the world is actually safe again…

As someone who has an actual – and ever growing – bucket list, this year of going nowhere, seeing no one, and being limited in new activities to try has been rough. Let me be very, abundantly clear: We are incredibly lucky to have our health, to have been going through this together, to have had the privileges of plenty of food, a lovely home, internet, etc…

We are very blessed, and this is not a post of me denying that.

All of this is to say that today, we have even more to be grateful for. We can start thinking about places we may want to travel, we can start thinking about the hobbies we have wanted to try together, we can start making plans again, and someday doesn’t feel that far away.

…

I figured this post could provide some insight into one of the topics I mentioned in my first blog post, Thirty Things I’ve Learned by Thirty: Dare to be Adventurous. In this section of that post, I spoke briefly about doing the things you want to do in life, seeing the places you want to see, and trying new and varied experiences to keep things interesting.

I have been very fortunate to have had many amazing life experiences and to have knocked those off of my individual list:

• I have ridden in a helicopter over the glaciers in Alaska and a volcano in Hawaii.
• In Alaska, we actually landed on the glaciers to hike, and I drank from a fresh glacier spring.
• In Hawaii, I also swam with dolphins and manta rays in the open ocean.
• I have been to two continents, five countries, and twenty-five states (plus Washington, D.C. – which should be a state).
• I have been rock climbing, and snorkeling, and ziplining, and jet skiing, and kayaking.
• I have learned how to throw a javelin and a discus.
• I have done hours and hours of horseback riding.
• I have also had the opportunity to ride a camel and an elephant.
• I have climbed to the top of the Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower.
• I have walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and back again.
• I have hiked to the top of multiple mountains.
• I have danced in a waterfall.
• I have seen famous art in more galleries than I can count.
• I have been to more concerts and plays than I could count.
• I have been to the ruins of Chichén Itzá, one of the seven wonders of the world.
• I have been to the Grand Canyon, one of the seven natural wonders of the world.
• I have been to the Butchart Gardens in Canada and the Monet Gardens in France.
• I swam in El Gran Cenote in Mexico.
• I have tried local cuisines that were so foreign to me and I have learned that I really love them…

This truly is just the beginning of what I have already seen, and done, and experienced. But – cue the Disney “I want…” song – there is so much more I want to see, and do, and experience.

For me, life experiences like these can only be described as a spiritual practice. They remind me of all of the amazing, remarkable, and beautiful things this life has to offer us if only we are brave enough to try. So, my bucket list might as well be my bible: a guide to my religion of trying new things and seeking knowledge of the unknown.

To quote one of our favorite sitcoms, Parks and Recreation, “The world is a very big place and I have seen very little of it.”

…

This may seem like a strange follow up to my last two posts, which each detailed a stage of my grief journey. But, for me, it is a very natural next step forward. Not that I won’t ever write another post about loss and grief in a more traditional sense, but I would be remiss to leave out this aspect of my process.

As I have mentioned before, when I lost my father in 2014, I lost myself that day too. The dreams I had, the experiences I wanted, all vanished right along with me. They no longer mattered because I no longer mattered. It was a very hard and dark part of my story.

I worked for years regaining a sense of self and realizing that I am worthy of wanting to live every moment to its fullest. That is what my father wanted for me. That was what I wanted for me.

It was hard to not feel like my twenties were dedicated to figuring out who I was again after the trauma I had been through.

So, when my mother passed away this Spring, I was terrified. I was so afraid of losing myself again. I was afraid of having to pick up the broken pieces and forge yet another new version of me. I was afraid this would be the defining theme of my thirties.

But, the really amazing thing about human growth and resilience is that we are stronger because of our pasts. We can apply the lessons we learned before and go through the motions with greater confidence and awareness. We have survived this before, and we can do so again.

Life doesn’t get easier, we get stronger.

…

Another aspect of this newly revitalized dedication to my goals and dreams is directly related to these losses in a way I certainly didn’t expect.

My father didn’t do a lot of traveling before he met my mother, and they didn’t do a lot of traveling together before they had me, aside from a cross-country road trip when moving from Washington state to Washington, D.C.

My dad would often talk about wanting to go to Tibet and stay in a monastery to learn from Buddhist monks, or visit the verdant isle of Ireland to connect to his familial origin, or make it back to France to take in even more of its beauty.

“Someday,” he would say.

But that’s the trouble with someday; we aren’t promised tomorrow. We aren’t promised anything.

Those are places I will see, and I know he will be along for the ride.

My mother couldn’t have been more opposite.

She spent early adulthood traveling throughout Europe seeing Germany, France, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. She then traveled down to northern Africa, seeing Morocco and Egypt. There, she rode camels through the Sahara Desert, and saw the Pyramids at Giza, ancient tombs, and the Nile River (to name a few of her many adventures).

She then lived in Israel, visiting Jerusalem and swimming in the Dead Sea during her time there (again, this is such a brief overview of her journeys). She also visited Jordan during this time.

I think I get my wanderlust and thirst for adventure from her. She was certainly not fearless, but she, in her times of mental clarity, embraced the fear and had a real zest for life. She encouraged this drive of mine to explore and be endlessly curious about the world.

This is not to say that she didn’t have her own list of “somedays”… She desperately wanted to go to India and was limited by her physical health. Similarly, she always wanted to go on safari in Africa.

I know she will be with me when I see these places in my own adventures.

…

My point here is that as a part of my grief process, I have become acutely aware of my desire to live life now. I recognize the logistical limitations of this much travel (as, unfortunately, no one was handing out pennies while I daydreamed about a future where such things would be possible). But that doesn’t mean that I can’t start doing the things that bring about that euphoric sense of conquering a new challenge or exploring a new place.

I need to get back to my “church.”

…

This shot that I got today is one half of my ticket to all of these dreams.

I want to be able to say I have been to all 50 states.

I want to be able to say I have been to every continent.

I want to check off the many “seven wonders” lists.

I want to try dance classes, and fencing, and archery, and bungee jumping, and skydiving.

I want to taste foods I’ve never heard of.

(I warned you to cue the Disney “I want…” song).

So, today was a good day because it means there is a light at the end of the tunnel – and as my incredibly clever wife put it – “this time, it’s not an oncoming train…”

Today was a good day because it gives me a shot at the life of seeing, and doing, and experiencing I so long for.

Today was a good day.

…

Thank you for joining me in my joy and excitement for all of the opportunities that are on the other side of this. If you haven’t already, please go get this vaccine. If not for yourself, then for the goal of making the world safe again.

And if you haven’t already, sign up for my newsletter (it comes out about once a month – so I promise I won’t be spamming you) and you could win a free eBook copy of Where the Light Shines Through: A Memoir in Poetry. The drawing for this has been extended, so it’s not too late to sign up!

Also, I have some exciting interviews and book reviews coming soon (I just recorded one yesterday). So, keep a lookout for those (they will be linked in my newsletter…).

Let me know in the comments what some of your life goals are or favorite places you think I should add to my list!

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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Sometimes, as a writer who draws from my own experiences to find my topics as much as I do, it is hard to know what, or even if, I should write in times of personal crisis. And as I am in the midst of such a time – and clearly, I am writing – the question becomes, “How do I approach such a massive, complicated, and difficult time in the form of the written word?”

For those of you who know me, or have been following along with this blog, it should come as no surprise that what you are about to read will be my totally open and authentic account of my reality.

For those who are new, first of all, welcome. Secondly, one thing you should know about me is that I am a very open book and write about the things in life we often don’t want to confront.

In this case, loss.

…

Loss – and more specifically, the passing of a loved one – can be an extremely difficult and even triggering topic to read about. Hell, it’s an extremely difficult and painful thing to write about. But, as much as I wish I wasn’t in the fog of this, and as much as I am dreading putting these words down in black and white, it will be impossible for me to keep writing without first addressing this fifty-story elephant in the room:

My mother has passed away.

Like my father before her, she passed very unexpectedly and with no warning. She was fifty-nine years old.

The similarities in the passings of both of my parents makes this all the harder. If you have not read about my father’s passing, I speak of it in multiple blog posts, but the one that would provide the most insight into that – as well as some insight into the complicated journey I have had with my mother – would be Catharsis From Creativity.

I also go into great detail about those aspects of my story in my book, Where the Light Shines Through.

To summarize: they both had an unexplained cardiac event, they both were unable to recover, and they both passed after an agonizing week of waiting for answers.

…

I have not been secretive about the struggles that my mother and I had in our dynamic – not that this is what this post is about – but I will simply say that those issues we have struggled with make the already dizzying experience of losing a parent so much more complicated.

I am, and have been, suddenly in the care of my mother’s health after a year and half of no contact. I am her next of kin. I am being asked to make decisions and choices that I have already had to make once when my father was in this exact situation.

I must have missed the day when we got handbooks on “How to Handle the Loss of Both Parents by Thirty.”

If anyone has a copy, or took some notes, I’d be grateful.

I add levity to my story not as a defense mechanism, but because it comforts me to embody my parents in positive ways and asking for a “Life Handbook” was something both of my parents would do.

Often.

There is a certain irony that my last post, Skeptical to Spiritual, spoke of my questioning my own spiritual beliefs as I was in the early stages of grief with my father. Perhaps this was the universe trying to focus my mind on that part of my path to highlight the things I learned last time.

Perhaps, instead of irony, I ought to call this serendipity.

Please, make no mistake, I am finding myself asking the same questions: Why is this happening to me? What purpose does this serve? How am I supposed to find peace about this? What kind of God would put me through this?

I have said it before, and I can assure you that I will say this again: growth isn’t linear.

Grief isn’t linear.

And the more complicated the grief is, the more complicated the relationship was, the more winding and overgrown the path toward healing tends to be.

…

There are as many differences as there are similarities to what I faced with my father in 2014. Not all of them are good. Not all of them are bad.

One thing that I can easily put in the list of positive differences is knowledge. Knowing myself, my strength, and my ability to reach into my Emotional Toolbox and tackle what lies ahead.

When my mind starts repeating, “I’m not ready for this…”

I can reply, “You’re right. You won’t ever be ready for this.”

When the world’s most unhelpful record gets stuck on, “I don’t think I can do this…”

I can quiet it with, “You don’t think you can do this, but you do know you can do this.”

These small shifts in my internal dialogue may not seem to be of much comfort, but it is a far cry from the cyclical narrative my mind would play on a loop when my father passed.

One of the less positive differences to note is the difference in my relationship with each parent respectively. There is no easy way to soothe this hardship and be at peace with losing my mother during a time that leaves so many things unsaid. All I can say in response to that one is as much as I wish things had been different, I don’t wish I had done things differently.

The good cannot alleviate the bad, but the bad cannot erase the good.

…

Perhaps the biggest difference between the twenty-three-year-old girl who lost her father and the thirty-year-old woman who has just lost her mother is this. What I am doing right now. Here on this page in front of you.

Writing my truth has been my saving grace.

Telling my story, the good and the bad, has been the therapeutic process that saved me.

So, here I am. Writing the stories that will one day become the pages I look back over and say, “This is what healed me.”

…

One thing that I think helps when there is so much muddled, confused, complicated emotion surrounding such an unexpected change in my life is to shift focus. I try to remember the best of my mother.

I remember her unapologetic strength and fierce drive that taught me not to let life beat me. She was a survivor. She was, at her best, the one who showed me how to own my power.

I remember sweet moments of her caring for me when I needed it most. After my first real heartbreak, my mother called my school and her work and said we had the flu (if any of my teachers happen upon this, please know I did all the make-up work). We went to our local diner and played every break-up song on the juke box. We sang along, and cried, and laughed, and talked it through as much as I needed to. We then went to the mall – something I loved, and she HATED – but she did so anyway to cheer me up. This was followed with more self-care and talking.

I remember her adventurous nature. She had traveled the world and I have her to thank for my wanderlust. I have her to thank for my curiosity about other cultures, foods, music, ways of life. I have her to thank for many of my bucket list items that I have crossed off like walking on a glacier in Alaska or swimming with wild dolphins in Hawaii or figuring out how to see The Last Supper while in Milan. I get my zest and passion for travel and trying new things from her.

This was her at her core.

When I feel lost in the anger, and pain, and frustrations about our relationship, it helps to step back and look at all of the things she taught me.

I look at all the ways she showed me her love.

And how much I love her too.

…

The thing about loss and grief that never ceases to remain a steady truth is that no matter how prepared you think you are, you’re not. In my humble opinion, things in this life have meaning or purpose if and when we choose to give it to them. They don’t happen with any specific lesson in mind, but when you are open to the lessons they have to offer, there is no limitation to the growth you can achieve.

There is a poem I wrote a while back concerning my relationship to grief after I had processed my father’s passing many times over. I came across it the other day, and suddenly it had new meaning. It really is an odd perk of my occupation that I leave myself letters of advice for my future self without even setting out to do so. This poem is an example of that.

…

Grief Lessons

Grief came to my home
I didn’t send an invitation, but it came anyway
Grief set up shop in my heart
And was the start
Of every word I had to say
Grief brought bags and bags
Of memories I wish I never had
Laid them in the middle of my floor
As if adorning my space
With the mourning of falling from grace
Grief is a stranger to no one
And yet, stranger than any I’ve met
For grief has taught me more
Than anyone else yet
Grief has taught me the meaning of time
Not a calculation of seconds or minutes
These measurements of time mean nothing
When you’re in it with grief
Time becomes
Every line we write
Every tear we cry
Each hello turned to goodbye
And still, grief resides
Grief has taught me my own strength
How not to go to the lengths
To hide the pain
There is more gained in loss
When we dare to not cross those words out
But rather find self-doubt
And strike a line through
And so, in a funny way
Grief, I need to thank you
You were there
When I was scared
I’d never make it through
So, next time you show up
I think I’ll show up too

…

Sometimes, in life, there are changes you don’t expect. There are things you don’t see coming and couldn’t prepare for if you did.

Losing my mother is one of these changes.

I never thought I’d have had to say goodbye to both of my parents at thirty. I am still processing that truth, and to be honest, I am heartbroken and I am lost.

Again.

I am consistently reminding myself that it is ok to not be ok right now. Right now, it is ok to hurt. Right now, it is ok to not know what I need. Right now, it is ok to find no meaning in this loss.

Those things will also change.

When I least expect it, I will find myself reading this post and be able to say, “This changed you, and you grew.”

Until that day, I will show up for myself and do the next right thing.

…

If you have made it this far, I thank you for joining me in this vital part of my grieving process. As hard as it is to put this all into words that truthfully only just scratch the surface of my emotional turmoil, I needed to do so in order to continue to write from a place of sincerity.

Peace and Love,

Kelly

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